Don't say what you don't mean
by xxnuttylunaticxx
Summary: Set about a month after they first slept together, Craig has finally come to terms with how he feels about John Paul. Unfortunately, John Paul doesn't believe him. JPSpike to begin with. Later JPCraig. Rating for later chapters.
1. Discoveries

Disclaimer: I (unfortunately) do not own any of the characters in this story. Or the setting. Or anything that comes directly from the programme (obviously – as they're from the programme.)

Pairings: JP/Spike to begin with, but it will be McDean – I promise! They are destined. I just can't make Spike be a complete bastard because that's harsh and it's not his fault he's in the way.

Anyway, this story is set just under a month after what has happened in the programme.

Craig took a deep breath to steady himself as stood on his former, and hopefully future, best friend's doorstep. He slowly raised his hand to ring the doorbell, snatching his hand away again before berating himself for his ridiculous behaviour. No longer nervous, he rang the bell, hoping that the door would be answered by someone at least a little sympathetic towards him. After Jacqui's warning to him to stay away from John Paul only a week before, Craig severely hoped that he would not bump into the ex-convict on this visit. Luckily, it was Myra who answered. She hurriedly bustled him in and told him that John Paul was just eating his breakfast in the kitchen.

On the way through the house, Craig couldn't help but remember the path he had taken the last time that he had been here. How John Paul had let his distraught friend in, given him a drink and been undeservedly kind to him. How Craig himself had kissed him, while John Paul simply stood there, stunned. How he had led him up to the bedroom where they had had the best sex that Craig had ever experienced. How Craig had then thrown everything back into John Paul's face, calling him 'faggot' and spitting at him. He felt sickened by what he had done then, but even more so now at how he had reacted to it and treated John Paul afterwards. He only hoped that there was still a chance for them.

Finally reaching his destination, Craig pushed the door open before shutting it gently. His eyes widened and his breath hitched. If he had been in any doubt that he was attracted to his friend, all doubt was now irrevocably shattered. John Paul was sitting facing away from him, wearing a pair of grey pyjama bottoms. It wasn't a particularly 'sexy' outfit, but Craig could help but stare at the contours on his friend's back and the beautiful blond hair, which, he knew, was so soft.

To be completely honest, he had no idea exactly what he felt for the other boy, but he was sure that whatever it was, it was definitely not platonic. These feelings, Craig was very much looking forward to discovering and exploring. Eventually Craig pulled out of his daze and remembered why he had come here. He quickly cleared his throat and prepared himself for the following onslaught.

John Paul was surprised when he heard a noise behind him. His mum was in the living room writing a shopping list and everyone else apart from Michaela was out – she was still sleeping off a Sonny induced hangover. He was so surprised, in fact, that he dropped his spoon and spun around, only to find himself face to face with the love of his life who had more recently ruined said life, Craig Dean.

"What the hell are you doing here, Craig?" John Paul hissed, feeling slightly panicked. He rose from his chair and backed away slightly.

"I… I needed to talk to you. To apologise for what I did. That should never have happened."

"I think you've made it clear enough that you don't think it should have happened. Why can't you just leave me --" John Paul could feel his anger rising but forced himself to keep his voice calm. It wouldn't do for the whole street to hear this. It wouldn't do for anyone to hear any of it.

"That's not what I meant." Craig said hastily, cutting John Paul off. "I mean, I'm sorry about what I called you. That was completely out of order and unforgivable, I know, but if you did forgive me, I would do anything – absolutely anything you wanted to make you believe how truly sorry I am for it. I'd..."

At that point, Myra called from the other room. "Well I'm out now – you sure you don't want anything from the shop?"

John Paul bit his lips to stop himself exploding from what Craig had just told him. After having gathered his thoughts again, he called back to his mum "Actually, Michaela, Mercedes and Russ drank nearly all the beer last night – only have a couple of bottles left. D'ya think you could get some more?" After hearing an affirmative answer and finally hearing the door click shut, John Paul gestured to another chair, motioning for Craig to sit on it.

"You're right," he said finally. "It was unforgivable. But even more than that, what you did… what we did before that was unforgivable. I mean, how would Sarah and Spike feel if they ever found out?"

"They _won't _find out, John Paul. I'm not gonna say anything and neither are you." Craig growled, standing up and walking over to John Paul. "This is just between you…" at this he put one hand behind John Paul's neck and the other on his chest, "…and me," he whispered before leaning in to kiss the slightly shorter boy.

Behind the door, Spike's jaw dropped, as he heard what could not be mistaken for anything other than two people kissing passionately. He had been worried about his boyfriend but mostly put the stress down to exam nerves. Now, after they were all over, he had bought tickets to a concert and arranged a day out for him and John Paul to spend some time together. He had arrived just as Myra was leaving, so she let him in, telling him that John Paul and Craig were in the kitchen talking. It didn't take an idiot to see that something had happened to make the two less close than they had been, and that John Paul was less than happy about it, so Spike had sat on the sofa waiting for the two to finish up in the kitchen.

Not long after he had sat down, he heard his name being mentioned, 'how would Sarah and Spike feel if they ever found out?' Now, Spike wasn't normally one to eavesdrop but if there was something concerning him, he felt that he had a right to find out what it was. Spike was just about to burst through the door and demand to know what was going on, when he heard a crash from the other side and his boyfriend's angry voice.

John Paul had pushed Craig off of him and was now staring wide eyed at him. "What the hell did you do that for? Haven't you been listening to a single word I've been saying?"

Craig looked down at the floor where he was lying, not having moved from where he had been thrown. "I know… it's just that I thought…"

"You thought what?" John Paul broke in. "That whenever you're feeling a bit 'bi-curious' or whatever you could just come round here and I'd let you… I'd let you do this to me?" He flinched as he stuttered over his words, not wanting Craig to see how affected he was by his attentions. "I'm gonna go put a shirt on," he muttered, walking towards the door.

Outside, Spike was shaking as mixed emotions coursed through his body. To begin with, it sounded like John Paul had been cheating on him with Craig, but then afterwards he had been the one to stop the kiss and then say it shouldn't have happened. Also, Spike felt a little guilty about listening to a conversation that he probably shouldn't, as there was, so far, no real evidence to prove that John Paul had done anything wrong.

"Wait," Craig quickly sprung to his feet and rushed to the door, keeping it closed.

"Get away from the door," John Paul said quietly, reminding them both of when they had been doing the same thing in the art room when John Paul apologised for telling Craig he loved him. Except now it was Craig who was doing the explaining.

"Please, John Paul. I just… I need you. And I thought you loved me. Isn't that what you said?" Craig was close to tears and he knew he was starting to whine, but at that point he didn't care. He just needed John Paul to understand how he felt.

John Paul on the other hand was sure that his heart pounding could be heard in Australia. He was confused but remembered what he had promised himself. "No, Craig. I told you no. This can't happen. You have no right to just use me and use my feelings for you. I might love you, but I hate what you've done to me. I was getting over you. Do you have any idea how hard that was? But I was, and now… now you're saying that I don't have to and it's just doing my head in. The way I feel about you is _killing_ me Craig, and you don't care one bit."

Craig was shocked at the sudden turn around in John Paul's character, but managed to maintain his composure long enough to find a way to potentially turn it to his favour. "Of course I care!" he admonished. Cutting John Paul off before he could deny it, he continued "I care about you so much, and I…" here he took in a deep breath. "I think I'm in love with you."

Outside, Spike was in tears, knowing that he had lost John Paul forever. Everyone knew John Paul loved Craig more than anyone and that he would be thrown away like a used tissue the second JP had a chance for a relationship with Craig. He paused as he turned away however, thinking that he should probably hear the end of this. It was nothing like what he had expected.

"NO!" John Paul shouted. "You're not. Don't say that. Don't say things you don't mean. You're just saying that so that I'll sleep with you again and then you're gonna go running back to Sarah. Just like last time. We're better off just being friends, so leave me alone."

The shock of this revelation was almost too much for Spike, who was caught between being ecstatic that John Paul hadn't gone off with Craig and sickened that he had cheated on him.

"You're wrong," Craig tried to reassure him. "I won't do that again. I'll be here for you…"

"No you won't," John Paul snarled back. "You never are. And you know what? No one will be. The one good thing in my life has been ruined because of you. Spike's been the best damn thing that's happened to me in a long time and now you've taken that away from me."

Craig swallowed loudly before trying one more time. "So are you gonna tell him, or what? He won't understand, you know. Not like I do."

"I don't know." John Paul sighed. "He deserves… he deserves so much better than all of this; than me. I mean, I feel like I should tell him. What kind of relationship is built on lies and cheating? But then all those agony aunt things say that he's better off not knowing and that if I tell him, it'll be for me and not for him. All I know is that I can't lie to him. If he asks, I'm gonna have to tell him."

At this point, Spike felt that it would best if he made his entrance. He wasn't quite sure exactly what he was going to say, but had a fair idea of where to start. He pushed the door open as gently as he could, given how angry he was feeling and surveyed the scene before him. John Paul was sitting on the floor in the centre of the room: his legs were under his chin and tears were streaming down his face. Craig was kneeling in front of him, his hands on JP's shoulders.

The three of them stayed in silence for a while, as the force of what this could mean hit them. Spike couldn't keep his eyes off of JP, while he was staring fixedly at the floor. Craig had a face rather like one of a startled bunny and looked unsure of which of the two he should be looking at. Finally, he moved away from John Paul and sat down on a chair, his face in his hands.

At that point, Spike decided to break the silence. "No need to tell me – I heard for myself. Your mum let me in and I wasn't meaning to listen, I just overheard and…" He was rambling, but knew that he had to keep talking to keep away from the deathly silence of before.

"_You_ don't have to explain yourself to _me_, Spike. _You _aren't the one who's done anything wrong." John Paul's voice sounded broken and defeated, but he bit his lip to force himself not to cry. He didn't deserve any sympathy. "I'm so, so sorry. I know it doesn't help but…"

"We need to talk." Came the stony reply. Spike was surprised at how calm his voice was remaining; a complete contrast to the rest of him. At this, he looked pointedly at Craig. "Get _out _Dean, before I do something I… no wait, I won't regret it."

"Nah – no way am I leaving you alone with him while you're in this mood." Craig felt that he had done enough letting JP get hurt while he just stood around for one lifetime. He couldn't do it again.

Without lifting his head, John Paul pleaded with Craig. "Just go. I'll be fine. Just, please, leave."

Craig gave the two of them one last sneer before disappearing through the door and running out of the house, not allowing the tears to fall until after his was well beyond hearing range of those who had caused them. His phone beeped as he received a text message. Looking at his phone, he saw Sarah's number flashing with the text reminding him to meet her in five minutes. Smirking, he walked up to the Dog to clean himself up before going to see his beautiful girlfriend. 'Two can play at that game,' he thought.

As I said, JP and Craig will get together, I just think that Craig should have to work a bit harder for it considering everything that's happened.

What do you think?


	2. Spike's Story

Disclaimer: Usual thing. I don't own them blah blah blah.

John Paul eventually lifted his head to look at Spike, still not managing to meet his eyes, unsure of where things were going to go from here. Meanwhile, Spike was looking back, wondering exactly the same thing.

"So did…" (Spike) "I just…" (John Paul) They both began to speak together. Then, each gave a nervous laugh, finally breaking the tense atmosphere.

"Should we both sit down?" Asked Spike, wanting to make the other boy feel more comfortable.

John Paul nodded and stood, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. Then, they both made their way over to the kitchen chairs.

"I'm sorry. I just… I can't begin to tell you how --" John Paul began.

"It's ok," Spike started. John Paul gave him a look that said 'yeah, right'. "Ok, well it's not… it's not alright, obviously, but I just… I heard what you said about me. You said that I've 'been the best damn thing that's happened to you in a long time.' Did you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it," John Paul exclaimed, looking into Spike's eyes for the first time. In that moment, Spike knew that he would forgive John Paul anything, just to get lost in those bright, shining blue eyes, but there was one thing which he had to know before putting his heart on the line.

"Is there any chance that you and him might…"

"No." John Paul answered, almost a little too quickly. Seeing the almost desperate 'don't lie to me' look in the other boy's usually laughing eyes however made him expand on that answer. "I don't know. He hurt me a lot and it would take a lot for me to get over that. Not even mentioning what me being with him has put you through. Besides, I'm not just looking for a quickie, and while he's still trying to tell himself he's straight, that's all we can ever have. No – nothing short of breaking up with Sarah, buying me a couple of tickets to an amazing unknown band and declaring his undying love for me in front of the whole street would make me even think of doing anything with him again. Oh, and he'd have to give me time to make sure I wasn't seeing anyone – I couldn't ever do what I did to you again."

They both smiled and Spike decided to go for it. "In that case, I'm not going to let this ruin what we have. You're too special to me."

John Paul felt gob-smacked, amazed and eternally grateful all at the same time. He had absolutely no idea what to say; he was so shocked and happy that Spike had forgiven him for what he had done. When his mouth finally started talking, his mind had unfortunately not had time to decide what would be said, so "I thought you said you didn't do serious?" was what finally came out.

Luckily, Spike didn't seem angry that he had brought that up at that point, he simply glanced at the floor and then back to JP. "Yeah, well I had a reason for that. I guess I should tell you – it's strange how we've been together for so long but know so little about each other. My first serious relationship… only one other than this one… it ended less than well. Coming out wasn't too much of a problem for me, considering how my dad had a boyfriend and therefore there wasn't any prejudice in the house. Luckily, I never had any trouble at school either – in fact, most of the guys were glad I was gay, as I got on so well with their girlfriends! So anyway, it was near the end of my year 9 when this boy called Daniel, who was about to go to 6th form came up to me and said he thought I was hot. From then, we got together and stayed together for a long time. In fact, I ended up moving in with him when he was 18 and I was 16. Everything seemed like it was perfect… I guess it was too perfect."

At this point, Spike sighed and moistened his lips, clearly getting ready for what was the difficult part of the story. "Five weeks after I moved in, I came home early from school – I'd been feeling a bit ill. When I opened the front door, I didn't see him, which was odd, as I knew he had the day off work. I went into the bedroom to lie down and he was in there… with another guy."

At this point John Paul's eyes were wide open and he covered his mouth with his hands. "Oh… oh my god. I'm so sorry. I thought that what I'd done couldn't get any worse but--"

"It could get so much worse," replied Spike. "I took you back because despite everything you are a decent guy. You wouldn't intentionally hurt me – you're reaction here proves it. No – what made what Daniel did so much worse is that he saw me. He looked over at me while he was on our bed with that… and he waved to me. And then, he came, screaming _my _name while he was fucking some other guy, staring right at me; and he did it just to see the look of horror on my face as he did so. That kind of screwed me up for a while, to be honest."

As Spike finished his story, three people were shocked into silence by what he had endured. One was John Paul, who immediately stood up and embraced him, the second was Michaela who had just woken up and was looking for some breakfast. The third heard the story a while later, having left a small microphone in the McQueens' kitchen, linked to a recorder on his computer, from which he could listen to everything.

Craig pressed the rewind button, searching for the one line he was looking for. 'Nothing short of breaking up with Sarah, buying me a couple of tickets to an amazing unknown band and declaring his undying love for me in front of the whole street would make me even think of doing anything with him again.'

"Bingo."


	3. Making up: a normal day

Disclaimer: I own them all! They're mine! Sue me! (Just turn that the other way round and you've got it)

I've got exams this and next week so I probably won't be up to writing anything but as soon as that's over, I'll be continuing.

---

Michaela pushed the door open and walked into the kitchen, feeling rather groggy. She grunted a greeting to the two boys before starting to make her breakfast.

John Paul smiled back before turning to his boyfriend. "So what did you want to do today?" he asked, lightening the mood.

Spike grinned and kissed JP softly. "I was thinking maybe we could go into Manchester and have a day out; just the two of us without any distractions. I got us tickets to see Bullet."

"Bullet! That's so not fair. You don't even like them that much John Paul!" Michaela interjected, spraying cereal everywhere.

JP ignored his sister, looking at Spike 'like a love-sick puppy', Michaela thought. "Sure, that sounds amazing. I don't know what I'd do without you – you're far too good to me," John Paul replied. He then leant in to kiss Spike passionately.

"Oh, get a room will ya?" Michaela said, screwing up her nose.

John Paul and Spike laughed. "You know, I think we will do just that," said John Paul, winking at his sister. "I need to get ready anyway," he continued, leading Spike up to his room. "I might need a hand with that though…" he finished when he and Spike were finally alone.

Spike stared incredulously up at his boyfriend, who had pushed them both onto the bed. "Ok, who are you and what have you done with JP?" he joked, but at seeing John Paul's face begin to fall, he quickly continued; "not that that's a problem, of course," pulling JP down for a long, slow kiss and reaching into his pyjama bottoms.

John Paul let out a hiss of pleasure, grinding into Spike's hand before saying 'wait'. Spike looked at him in confusion, so he explained. "I… I want you inside me." Spike's face immediately lit up, although there was a hint of worry in his eyes. "Don't worry, it's not because I feel guilty – it's because I want it. I want you to make me yours."

"Well in that case…"

Two hours later, John Paul and Spike could be found sitting outside an ice-cream parlour, laughing as they shared childhood stories, each talking while the other attempted to put them off by making sure their spoon was _very_ thoroughly cleaned each time, before another piece of sundae was eaten.

Being with Spike had changed John Paul. For once in his life, he felt comfortable to be who he was, rather than who everyone else thought he should be. Especially now that the truth about Craig had been revealed, JP felt the happiest and most confident that he had ever felt and all of that was because of Spike. Finally, he felt able to crawl out of his shell and be whatever it was he would eventually be.

"John Paul? Hello? Earth to planet JP…" Spike was waving his hand in front of John Paul's face, wearing a slightly amused and bemused expression.

"Wha?" asked John Paul, snapping out of his trance-like thinking. His mind whirred into gear and it took him a second to remember where he was and what was going on. "Oh, sorry. Mind elsewhere – I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have you."

"Aww look at that – my boyfriend: the hopeless romantic!" Spike grinned at John Paul's blush before reaching over the table to press their lips together. John Paul kissed back hungrily, but just as Spike was about to suggest they go somewhere a bit more private, John Paul's phone went off.

John Paul pulled away, sending Spike a regretful glance before taking his phone out of his pocket. One look at the screen to see who was calling made his face turn sour as he forcefully pressed the hang-up button and put his phone back. Spike opened his mouth to ask who it was, but closed it again when he realised that it was unnecessary. He fought to keep the disappointment off of his face – typical how even without being here and despite his and JP's best efforts, Craig Dean could still ruin the mood for them.

Deciding not to let this spoil the rest of their day, Spike went to the till to pay for their ice-creams before taking John Paul's hand and taking him further into the town centre.

The rest of the day passed relatively uneventfully, John Paul and Spike taking the time to re-forge the strong bond between them. Eventually, they stood outside Manchester Arena at 7:00, when the gates were due to open.

About half way through the concert, which John Paul was thoroughly enjoying, he started to get thirsty, so went to the refreshments stand at the back. Spike had been following him through the crowd, however they got separated, so used basic sign language to convey that they would meet at the refreshments.

After ordering their drinks, John Paul heard the familiar sound of his ring tone faintly over the music, which was slightly quieter here than closer to the stage. He pulled out his phone to see that he had just missed that call, and about six others, all from Nancy. Wondering what could have been so urgent that she call that many times, JP quickly rang her back, covering his other ear so he might be able to hear her better.

"John Paul!" came the familiar voice on the other end of the phone, except it wasn't Nancy. "Wait – please don't hang up," the voice continued. "I just… I needed to talk to you. Where are you? The music's pretty loud."

"What do you want, Craig?" asked John Paul roughly, ignoring the last question. "I would have thought you'd get the message that I didn't want to talk to you when I hung up on you earlier. Or is that why you're using Nancy's phone – to trick me into answering?"

"Please, John Paul. Just hear me out." At Craig's almost defeated voice, John Paul began to thaw. He just couldn't stay angry with the other boy for very long, especially not when he said his name in that way. "I know that the way I went about apologising to you this morning was wrong--"

"Look – I'm a little busy now, so as much as I'm enjoying this little chat," here, John Paul's voice was dripping with sarcasm; a cover to hide what he was truly feeling. "I think I'd rather get back to my evening with my boyfriend."

There was a short pause before Craig's voice could be heard once more through the handset; the words slightly rushed but definitely audible. "I'm going to break up with Sarah."

John Paul almost dropped his phone in shock. It was like everything has stopped – the music that was still as loud as ever had gone silent. The man handing him his drinks and asking for the money wasn't there. He didn't see Spike finally appearing out of the crowd with a bruise already forming around his eye, sidling up to him and paying for the drinks instead before waiting patiently and curiously for John Paul to finish his conversation. None of this was happening in JP's world because at that moment, he was half way between jumping for joy that Craig really was in love with him and drowning his sorrows because Craig would be so harsh as to get his hopes up so high, only to break his heart yet again.

Instead, he kept his voice calm and cold, saying "You do that, but if you do, it'll be for you; not for me. Don't try to make it seem like you're doing anything for my benefit because we both know you're only doing this so that you won't have to tell her about us. Now, as I said, I'm enjoying my evening with Spike, so please just leave us alone." John Paul quickly hung up the phone before any tears could fall and the other boy would know how much of a hold he still had over JP's emotions. He hated that Craig could still do this to him. Suddenly remembering where he was and what he was doing, he looked around and saw Spike standing behind him with their drinks. Spike moved closer, wrapping his arms around his crying boyfriend, pulling him close and kissing the top of his head.

JP breathed in deeply, inhaling Spike's scent. It felt strange but nice to be looked after in this way: to be protected rather than always being the protector like he had always been for Craig.

Meanwhile, Craig had left John Paul's house in tears, but intent on cleaning himself up and going to see Sarah. He went back to his house and put on the outfit Sarah loved seeing him in before heading over to her house. He felt a twinge of guilt and doing so, after what he had told John Paul, but he told himself that JP had chosen Spike, so it was fair for him to continue his relationship with Sarah.

Ringing the doorbell, he was determined to make him and Sarah work. He _didn't _need John Paul, as much as he thought he did. He needed Sarah. She was who he loved… except he just couldn't make himself believe any of it.

Amy answered the door and told him that Sarah was still up in her room getting ready. Craig made his way up the stairs, telling himself that this was what he wanted. Sarah came running out of her room, stopping when she saw her boyfriend half way up the stairs.

"A bit eager, aren't you?" she said, jokingly. Craig could tell by the look in her eyes that she loved the idea that he was so attracted to her. After walking to her room and sitting down on her bed, Craig looked at her quizzically: she never wanted to 'just talk', usually opting for a very steamy make-out session if not more. She sighed. "Listen, I know that there's been something weird going on between you and John Paul for the last month – I'm not blind. It's upsetting you Craig; why don't you go and talk to him?"

Talking about John Paul was exactly what Craig did _not _want to do – that was why he had come over here! "Already ahead of you," he soothed, knowing that unless she was satisfied that she'd heard the whole story, she wouldn't let this go. "I went over there earlier and then left because Spike arrived and they looked like they were having a bit of an argument." Well… what was wrong with spreading a few seeds to make one more person stop liking him? "Anyway, I didn't come over to talk about him did I?" he finished suggestively.

Sarah giggled before pulling him closer. "No, I guess you didn't," she replied, kissing him deeply. This carried on for a couple of minutes, without him feeling very interested. "You alright?" she asked, clearly annoyed by his inattentiveness. Craig shook his head to clear it, nodding to Sarah before pulling her in. He figured that the more he did so, the less John Paul's face would appear in his mind that he would have to push away. "You seem a bit distracted is all…" she continued. Craig pretended to ignore her, but became much more determined to make this happen; to make himself want Sarah this way. He kissed her again, not caring when John Paul's replaced her face in his mind. He heard her moan, but somehow made himself believe that it was his friend. "Mmmm… much better," she sighed. This, he couldn't pretend was John Paul. Craig sat up. "What's the problem?" she asked, with her scraping, whining voice.

"I dunno… I just… I think you're right – I'm just distracted. Listen – I'll call you later, yeah?" Craig practically ran out of the house, pressing his hands to his face. How John Paul had managed to stay with Hannah after he had confessed his feelings for Craig, he didn't know because every second that he was with Sarah made him feel violently sick, unless he was pretending that it was John Paul. He didn't quite know where he was running, but he ended up running right into Jake.

"Whoa careful there mate! You alright Craig?" He asked.

"What? Oh, yeah. Of course." Craig smiled up at his brother.

Jake wasn't known as being the most observant person ever, but he knew when his brother was hiding something. "Well I'm kinda busy right now, but me and Nancy are going to the Dog later – you wanna talk or just hang out or anything, you come and join us, yeah?"

Craig nodded gratefully, actually feeling slightly better. He waved goodbye to Jake before reaching in his pocket for something… except it wasn't there. Of course! He'd changed since he'd been round John Paul's.

Ever since he'd started feeling a bit confused about how he felt as far as John Paul was concerned, he'd decided to tape his conversations with him to try to prove that there was nothing to it… except that when he listened to them back, all he'd heard was confirmation of what he'd been afraid of – what he felt for John Paul was definitely not platonic. Ever since then, listening to their conversations had been a sort of pleasure/pain, which both drove him crazy and kept him sane. They hadn't said much in the past couple of weeks, but every word between them was recorder and far too over-analysed. He had to listen to their last conversation – maybe there was some sort of clue as to how to get him.

Reaching into the pocket of his jeans that he had worn earlier that day, Craig's eyes widened as he realised that the microphone wasn't there… so where was it? Taking a deep breath to keep himself calm, he logged onto his computer where the signal would send anything that was recorded. It must have fallen out at some point, so maybe he'd be able to work it out from what had been recorded.

'…just that I thought…' he heard his voice saying. 'You thought what? That whenever you're feeling a bit 'bi-curious' or whatever you could just come round here…' This was still him talking to John Paul – before Spike had walked in and ruined it all. Craig moved the track further on.

'…'ll be fine. Just, please, leave.' This was it – this was when he left JP's house. He listened for the sounds of running and then muffled tears, but they never came. Instead, he heard silence. Then, eventually, he heard two people go to speak at once.

'So did…' (Spike) 'I just…' (John Paul) Craig's jaw dropped open. His microphone had been left in JP's kitchen! It must have fallen out when JP pushed him to the floor. While he was thinking about how on earth he was going to be able to get such an expensive piece of equipment back when he probably would be barred from that house for life, he forgot that the track was still running. Snapping back into reality, he realised that some of what he was about to hear would probably be very personal information, but at the same time he knew that if there was something in there that would help him get John Paul back, it would be worth it.

'My first serious relationship… only one other than this one… it ended less than well.' He shouldn't hear this, he knew, but something made him need to listen. When he got to the part where Michaela walked in, he knew the end of the interesting part had finished, except something inside of him told him he had missed something. There _had _to be something there.

Craig pressed the rewind button, searching for the one line he was looking for. 'Nothing short of breaking up with Sarah, buying me a couple of tickets to an amazing unknown band and declaring his undying love for me in front of the whole street would make me even think of doing anything with him again.'

"Bingo."

Knowing he had to talk to John Paul about what he was going to do next, Craig got out his phone, scrolling easily to JP's number as he had done so many times before. Hesitating before ringing, he somehow found the confidence to.

'Ring ring. Ring ring. Ring--' the line went dead. Craig threw his phone down, angry at John Paul for not even listening to him, himself for making John Paul act that way, and life, the universe and everything… just because it _sucked_.

Craig lay down on his bed, suddenly tired. He had hardly got any sleep the night before, as he had been so worried about what he was going to do that morning; and a fat lot of good that planning did him! When he woke up hours later, Craig would have had no idea how he had fallen asleep as his mind had been completely full of regret and sorrow.

"Hey Nancy! Jake! How are you?" Craig made his voice sound chirpy.

"Craig!" Nancy called back, sounding both surprised and very happy to see him. "Jake told me he'd invited you along, but I didn't think I'd actually see you. How have you been?" Despite exams being over, Craig hadn't been spending much time socialising at all over the past few weeks.

"Yeah, yeah good actually. Well… maybe not so much but I'm sure Jake told you. Let's enjoy ourselves here and then maybe we'll talk about it later." Craig committed himself there and then, remembering that JP wanted him to tell people. At least if he'd said he would tell her, Nancy would make him do so later on if he chickened out; which he would. Nancy was one of those people who was a good friend of his but slightly outside of the situation, so hopefully she wouldn't judge him too much.

The rest of the afternoon passed without too much fuss as all three of them laughed and joked. There were a few moments when Craig forgot the heartache he was feeling and he felt completely and utterly relaxed. Somehow, they managed to waste their time until half past five, when Darren came over and told Jake to 'get that dmn brat out of here' as apparently Charlie needed a change and Darren simply couldn't be bothered.

The three of them trooped back to Jake and Nancy's with Charlie in tow, relishing in the silence that was unusual for their street. Then, Craig heard the sound of someone running behind him. Turning around, he saw Sarah sprinting towards him, slowing to a gentle jog when she realised he was watching her. 'Of course' he thought 'yet another one of her little games which are really starting to get tiring'. He had always played along with them before, pretending that he was either so clueless that he didn't get that she was messing him around or that he actually enjoyed it. He felt that he needed to do so in order to keep her; his 'beard' as Darren had called her once: the cover to 'prove' to people that he wasn't gay. Well, as long as things didn't go too badly, he wouldn't have to worry about that for very long.

"Hey there," she smiled at him. "You rushed off earlier – I was thinking maybe you could come over and carry on where we left off, if you're up for it…"

"Uh, well actually I've already promised Jake and Nance that I'd go have dinner with them – haven't seen them in a while so I've been spending some time…" Jake opened his mouth, presumably to say that he wouldn't mind his little brother going off to spend time with Sarah, but Craig shut him up with a subtle shake of the head and look. Luckily, Jake got the hint.

Sarah stared confused at her boyfriend. She had just blatantly offered him sex, and he had flat out refused; for what? To have dinner with his brother? There was definitely something else going on here and Sarah was going to work it out. Pretending to be satisfied with this answer, she smiled and kissed Craig quickly and headed off home.

"So what's up?" Nancy asked as soon as Jake was busy with the dinner.

"You don't waste any time, do you?" Craig joked, stalling for time.

Unfortunately for him, Nancy saw through this straight away. "Quit stalling you! Now I know you want to tell me really, so don't make me drag it out of you!"

Somehow, everything that had happened in the last month or so came tumbling out of his mouth, faster than he could think of what he was saying. He found himself telling Nancy far more than he had ever planned on telling her: the jealousy that had bottled up every time he heard Spike's name, the reason why he had walked out of his exam, the way his stomach seemed to flutter every time he saw John Paul, how he had finally come to terms with how he felt and how he had messed everything up that morning. All the while, Nancy just sat there, understanding his need to tell the whole story and not judging his actions one bit. When he finally finished, he took a few deep breaths, trying to gauge Nancy's reaction but not finding one.

Eventually, Nancy spoke. "So what do you want to do now?"

Craig was flabbergasted. He would have understood her saying that he was being inconsiderate of Sarah's, JP's… even Spike's feelings; but this was completely unexpected. He thought back and realised that perhaps it was not – Nancy had had to grow up a lot faster than the rest of them, so maybe it wasn't such a surprise that she would think of something that he, himself had not. Well, he had thought of what he wanted to do, but hadn't thought that that would have been the advice given. The action he wanted that didn't involve clicking his fingers to make Spike disappear so that he and John Paul could skip off into the sunset holding hands of course.

"I want to call him. To tell him that I'm willing to do whatever it takes for him to trust me when I say… when I say that I love him, except how can I? He won't pick up his phone when I call."

"That's why I have a phone, Craig," Nancy stated simply, as if she were talking to a five-year-old.

Just then, Charlie started crying. Nancy apologised and walked over to the chair he was in, lifting him up and attending to him. Unfortunately, by the time she had finished with that, dinner was ready, so the three of them sat around the table. Craig wasn't talking as he was so anxious about what he was going to do, Jake wasn't talking as he found Craig silence awkward, so Nancy was left on her own trying to make conversation. Eventually, she got fed up of being the only one talking and said "Sorry, Craig but I have to break this silence. Jake – Craig was upset because he's scared to tell you he's in love with John Paul. There – all done. You don't have to worry any more."

Craig stared at Nancy, who was quite happily carrying on with her dinner. He refused to look at Jake, not wanting to see the rejection and disgust that was sure to be on his face… or even worse than that: pity. Scrap all that he had thought about Nancy growing up fast – she hadn't matured – she'd gone insane!

Jake was unsure of how to take this news – on the one hand, he'd heard lots of things about gay people and what they did, as well as the fact that he wanted to protect his brother from the prejudice; but on the other hand he knew that you can't choose who you love and that he couldn't hurt his brother by not standing by him on this. Looking at Craig's worried face, Jake realised that Craig didn't know that he would stand by him no matter what. He wasn't sure exactly what to do, but he followed Nancy's lead and just carried on talking as though nothing strange had happened.

After dinner was over and all the plates had been cleared away and washed up, Craig found himself sitting on Nancy's bed while she phoned John Paul, yet again. He hadn't picked up, but it wasn't as though he was doing so on purpose as it was simply ringing until it reached the answer-phone each time. Maybe he couldn't hear it for some reason… or maybe he was too busy with Spike. Craig tried to shake that idea from his mind, as he couldn't bear the thought of John Paul doing that with anyone but him.

Surprisingly, Jake had taken the news quite well after the initial shock. Craig shook his head and laughed quietly: maybe telling people wouldn't be as difficult as he had originally thought.

The phone began to ring. Craig looked at Nancy, suddenly very nervous about what he was about to do. She looked at him as if to say 'well get on with it then' before picking up the phone, holding it to his ear and pressing the green button. "John Paul!" he started. "Wait – please don't hang up. . "I just… I needed to talk to you," he continued weakly. He knew that he was sounding ridiculous, so took the phone from Nancy's grasp. Suddenly noticing how loud the background music was at JP's end, he felt a surge of happiness – it had simply been that he couldn't hear his phone! "Where are you? The music's pretty loud." Ok, now that was a stupid thing to say.

"What do you want, Craig?" asked John Paul. Well at least he hadn't hung up yet. "I would have thought you'd get the message that I didn't want to talk to you when I hung up on you earlier. Or is that why you're using Nancy's phone – to trick me into answering?"

"Please, John Paul. Just hear me out." Craig felt a little guilty. He _had _been tricking John Paul by using Nancy's phone and he knew it, but there had been a good reason. "I know that the way I went about apologising to you this morning was wrong--"

"Look – I'm a little busy now, so as much as I'm enjoying this little chat," here, John Paul's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "I think I'd rather get back to my evening with my boyfriend." Craig felt lost. JP had never spoken like this to him before.

Craig's squeezed his eyes shut, knowing he couldn't go through with this. Then, Nancy prodded him and whispered "If you don't tell him now, then you don't deserve him."

Forcing himself not to lose his nerve or ask JP what had happened to change his character so much, Craig surged ahead to the main point of the phone call. "I'm going to break up with Sarah."

If the music hadn't still been as loud as ever, Craig would have thought JP had hung up on him. He heard some guy yelling, presumably to John Paul, that some drinks were ready, but didn't hear any response to that. After what seemed like an age, John's Paul's voice could once again be heard on the other end of the line. "You do that, but if you do, it'll be for you; not for me. Don't try to make it seem like you're doing anything for my benefit because we both know you're only doing this so that you won't have to tell her about us. Now, as I said, I'm enjoying my evening with Spike, so please just leave us alone."

"Come on JP – let's go home," Spike soothed, making himself stay strong. He knew that John Paul would never love him the way that he loved Craig, but at the moment, JP needed him, so he would be there for him no matter what.

---

Thanks for reading - please leave a review!


	4. Guilty Memories

Disclaimer: Must I go through this again? Don't own them – never will. (Although I kidnapped Guy Burnet and he's currently living in my wardrobe.)

Thanks for your patience with me writing. I hope you enjoy this 

---

Almost a week had passed without any contact between the two boys. Okay, so perhaps Craig staying in his room the whole time may have had something to do with it, but he'd phoned John Paul that night so really coming round was the least his friend could do. Oh, and he wasn't moping. That was just something Darren was saying to try to annoy him, which wasn't working at all: no, definitely not. He was in his room because he wanted to be and there was no other reason.

He hadn't even gone to see Sarah. He knew that he had told John Paul that he would break up with her, but after the reaction he had got, it almost seemed as though JP didn't want him to. Then again, maybe it was a test and if he broke up with her anyway, John Paul would realise he was serious. Yes, that would be it… except that wasn't what he was like. JP wouldn't play games like that, no matter how much he had changed. Craig flopped dejectedly down onto his bed. It just wasn't fair that when he'd finally sorted out his own feelings and what he wanted, John Paul had already moved on.

There had been no need for Craig to have avoided going into the village in case he had bumped into John Paul that week however, as the boy in question had spent most of that week either at his own house with Spike, or at Spike's house with Spike. After the initial difficulties of discovering and dealing with John Paul's infidelity, the couple had found that afterwards they were a lot closer. Where there had once been a huge hole in JP's life where Craig – his best friend – should have been, Spike was slowly filling the gap. He was funny, smart, great to talk to and best of all he was safe: he wasn't going to break his heart.

Today however, they had decided to go to the dog. Well, Spike had decided that they would and so John Paul was going along with that. "Why are we here, again?" he asked Spike as they approached the door.

Spike turned around and smirked at his boyfriend. "Well it might be because I threatened not to finish what I started if you didn't agree…" he teased, loving the blush that appeared on John Paul's cheeks at the memory.

That wasn't what he'd meant, but John Paul decided to leave it for now, instead laughing slightly before giving the other boy a mock-glare. "That was quite mean of you, you know?" he scolded.

Spike remained unfazed by this and grinned, taking a step forwards. "Yeah, I know," he said softly before running his hands behind his boyfriend's head to pull him closer and whispering "but I think I more than made up for it aft--"

"John Paul!" They heard a voice calling and heavy footsteps running up the street. John Paul jumped away from Spike before he ducked his head and bit his lip, turning to face the person who had interrupted them. "Oh god, I'm so sorry – I couldn't see from back there, I didn't realise I was interrupting anything…" Sarah continued.

"Sarah, hi." John Paul replied. "Umm… how have er… how've you been?" he continued, trying to work out exactly how much she knew. He didn't have to wait long.

After being assured by the two boys that they didn't mind her joining them for a few drinks, Sarah pushed the door open and stepped inside, giving them a couple more seconds alone before they joined her; completely oblivious to what they were really talking about.

Spike wrapped his arms around JP once again and gazed into his eyes. Once again he was entranced by the beautiful brilliance of them, making him feel so proud that the boy in his arms was his, even if it was only for a short while. When the eyes grew a slightly questioning look, Spike remembered what he was going to say. "You don't need to look so guilty you know – you haven't done anything wrong," he reassured him.

John Paul went to open his mouth, but quickly found it covered by Spike's. The retort that was on his lips was swiftly swept away by the passion he could feel in the kiss. "Come on," Spike said after finally pulling away, grabbing John Paul's hand and leading him into the pub. Sarah had already bought the drinks and found them a place to sit so she smiled and waved at them when they finally walked in.

As he sat there, Spike couldn't help noticing how tense the atmosphere was. John Paul was looking anywhere but Sarah, while biting his lip in an utterly adorable way that made Spike want to kiss him. Sarah on the other hand was also fidgeting slightly, looking worried and as though something was seriously bothering her. Noticing that neither were about to start a conversation, he began with an opener to inspire the other two to speak. "So what have you been up to recently, Sarah? Now exams are over I bet you have a lot of free time."

Sarah appeared grateful for the break in the silence and she immediately grew a smile; Spike noticed however that this happy look did not quite reach her eyes. "Yeah – to be honest I've just been relaxing. It's been great to not have to do anything… then again it's been pretty lonely. Hannah's met some guy called Kevin so I haven't seen her all week, and Nancy's busy with Charlie as always."

Her failure to mention Craig was not lost on the two boys, although only Spike noted that her body language showed she did not seem upset, but more worried about what she had not yet revealed. Placing a hand on John Paul's arm to calm the blonde's nerves, Spike asked a final probing question. He knew that it would once again raise the tensions, but he also knew that it had to be asked. "What about Craig?"

At Craig's name, John Paul froze and shot his boyfriend a stricken look, luckily one which remained unnoticed by Sarah whose reaction had been to look at the floor. "We haven't… I mean I haven't seen him, at all since Saturday morning. That's what I wanted to ask you – if you'd seen or spoken to him since then because he won't talk to me. He won't answer his phone. I even tried going up to see him but his door was locked and he wouldn't let me in. He just ignored me and didn't say anything." Her voice was starting to sound cracked, almost as if she was about to cry. "I just want to know what I've done wrong. Do you know anything?"

Sarah had really been the only one of John Paul's friends who had liked Spike, the other two turning out to be jealous of his place as JP's boyfriend. This had formed a slight bond between the two, as Spike was desperately searching for allies in a group where he was making more and more enemies. For this reason, he was torn between doing all he could to help her, and doing what he could to ensure John Paul didn't get hurt. Unfortunately, the two seemed to be complete opposites. Eventually he decided to say as little as possible while answering the question. After all, Craig was the one who needed to tell her. "He phoned John Paul that evening but since then we haven't had any more contact with him, I'm afraid."

Sarah bit her lip as if she was deciding whether to say something or not. Finally deciding she should, she pressed ahead. "He said something about having had a fight with you earlier that day…" she paused as the two boys shared a look. "But he didn't say what it was about," she continued, noticing how John Paul seemed to sigh in relief at this. "Do you think that might have had something to do with it? It's just I know how you two get when you fall out and he seems really cut up about it." Seeing that John Paul and Spike obviously needed to talk about this, she offered to buy another round of drinks. 'It's probably Craig's homophobia again', she thought to herself. It was such a shame that he just couldn't get over the fact that a person's sexuality did not define the person.

As soon as Sarah had left, Spike tilted his boyfriend's head up to look at him. "Calm down – I told you, you have nothing to feel guilty about," he whispered gently.

At this, John Paul snapped his head away, taking away any contact between the two. "Nothing to feel guilty about? Spike, I _slept_ _with _her _boyfriend_. I have _everything_ to feel guilty about."

Spike shook his head to show John Paul that he really wasn't to blame. "But he--" he started

"And yeah, he initiated it but that has nothing to do with it. I could have said no; I _should _have said no, and I didn't. I'm as much to blame for this as he is, no matter how much you try to build me up as some guy who can do no wrong. I cheated on you and I lied to Sarah; and then when she comes back I'm going to have to lie again and I can't take it Spike, I just can't." After choking out the final few words, John Paul walked as quickly as he could without drawing attention to himself to the toilets, unwilling to let anyone see him crying.

Spike walked over to where Sarah was to let her know where he was going before following his boyfriend. "John Paul!" he called softly, trying to figure out where he had gone. "I'm sorry – you were right. I was just trying to--"

A muffled sob from one of the cubicles cut him off and he knocked softly on the door. "John Paul," he called again. "Is that you?"

Behind the door, John Paul wiped his eyes and berated himself for his behaviour. Only a week ago Spike had forgiven him for something that most people would class as unforgivable, and now here was John Paul making him feel guilty about it! He wanted to say something, but for that the words stuck in his throat.

Meanwhile, Spike was also mentally scolding himself. He was the worst boyfriend ever. Memories of what Daniel had told him came flooding back. Deep down, he knew that he probably should have told John Paul the truth about what had really happened between the two, but his fear of losing him had held him back. Besides, he had always told himself that Daniel was wrong about it, although he had been very careful to stay out of long term relationships since then… until now.

Choosing his words carefully, John Paul finally began to speak. "Look, I'm sorry for going off at you out there. I was completely out of order. It's just I'm so… I don't know. I'm so affected by this place and I know that's not any excuse or anything but…" he left the sentence hanging, hoping that Spike would understand what he meant.

Spike on the other hand had barely heard a word of what was said; instead thinking of what he was going to say next. "You should go and talk to Craig," he blurted out.

John Paul blinked, unsure that his hearing wasn't wonky or something. "You what?" he asked, too surprised to think of something slightly more eloquent.

"I said I think you should talk to Craig," came the reply. "You heard Sarah – she's really worried about him and we all know you're the only one he's going to be willing to talk to. Besides, you miss him," John Paul went to interrupt at the point, but closed his mouth realising that Spike needed to say all of this. "He was your best friend for god knows how many months and Sarah's right: you aren't the same when you're not talking to him, and it's not right of me to say who you can and can't be friends with just because I'm jealous."

Taking a moment to take in everything that had been said, John Paul had to admit that parts of it were true, however there was one major flaw in the logic. "You never said I couldn't be friends with him, Spike. That was my decision and I don't regret it. I want to be with you completely and I personally feel that I can't do that and be friends with him. Not after what we did… what he did."

Spike listened, not really taking in the words spoken rather than the words he heard echoed in his head. 'Keeping me away from him is just going to make things worse for you. You know that, right? If you don't let me talk to him now, he'll come round again and that won't be just as friends.' He pushed this voice away and tried to concentrate on what his _current_ boyfriend was saying, but the memories kept pushing their way back.

"Sarah wants to know what's going on and it can't be healthy for him to be stuck in his room. I just don't want to make things worse… for anybody." He murmured, not exactly sure of what he was saying, but knowing that what he did say was very important.

"Spike, I don't understand," John Paul exclaimed, confused. "Do you _want _me to cheat on you or something?"

'You caused this! It's because of you that I did it. Maybe if you weren't so clingy and oppressive it wouldn't have happened.' 'You disgust me, flaunting your body in front of other men. Now you know what it feels like to have to share.' Spike's mind was whirring with the memories that one line had suddenly brought back. 'If you don't do this, you know I'll get it from elsewhere. Do you want me to cheat on you again? See that's what you're doing here – you're forcing me to do this. You made me do this.'

John Paul opened the door slowly, wondering why everything had gone quiet. His last words had been quite harsh when he thought about it, but he hadn't meant them to be. Peering out of the cubicle, he saw his boyfriend rocking on the floor; eyes wide with his arms wrapped around his legs. It was a rather strange sight to see, as he had always considered Spike to be very secure within himself, to the point where Craig had described him as arrogant… although that was probably just the jealousy talking. Still, he wasn't the type of person to be found sobbing on the floor and John Paul knew that he had been the cause of it; a realisation which made him feel sick to the pit of his stomach.

"Spike," he whispered, gently caressing the face in front of him. "You know I wouldn't, right? It was a stupid thing to say and I'm really sorry."

Spike blinked, taking another look at the boy kneeling in front of him with a look of utter concern across his face. "John Paul," he murmured, mostly to himself. This wasn't Daniel – this was John Paul. The nightmare was over and there was no way Spike was going to let Daniel continue to ruin his life, even after he had thought he'd escaped him.

"Who were you expecting?" John Paul joked, trying to make light of the situation. When Spike laughed, he smiled back and kissed him gently.

"I trust you," Spike said simply, looking right into John Paul's eyes as he did so.

So they were back to serious. John Paul wanted leave it there and for that to be all, but he felt he owed Spike the truth. "I don't," he replied. At Spike's questioning glance, he expanded on this statement. "When it comes to Craig, I don't trust myself. He has this… this power over me and I'm really scared that if I go and talk to him alone, something would happen. I could never forgive myself if I did that to you again." John Paul stared into his boyfriend's eyes, willing the sincerity to show through in his words. No matter what he felt for Craig, there could never be anything between them as Craig was just looking for someone to experiment with and John Paul wanted a serious relationship; the one thing that Spike was offering. There was no way he was going to let this slip away from him.

John Paul stood up, giving his hand to Spike to help him do the same. After dusting himself off, Spike put his arms around John Paul's shoulders. "Go talk to him and if you're not back down in ten, I'll come looking, okay?" He suggested, keeping the mood light despite the seriousness of the topic.

"Go with five and we have a deal, as long as you make it up to me later," Taking his cue from Spike, John Paul did the same, whilst adding a slight suggestive leer at the end.

Spike pressed himself up against John Paul; his mouth next to the younger boy's ear, sending shivers down John Paul's spine. "Oh, believe me I will, I'll--"

Exactly what Spike planned to do to 'make it up to him' wasn't discovered however, as at that exact point Darren came around the corner and almost walked into them. "Oh, hello," he started. John Paul jumped back, waiting for some homophobic remark from the pub manager and incredibly surprised when none arrived. "You gonna go talk to that mate of yours?" was instead what was addressed to John Paul. "He's been moping in that room of his for days."

After the two had left, Darren thought about what he had just heard, having come in a minute or so ago and stayed around the corner when he discovered what the subject of the discussion was. "Craig and John Paul, eh?" he mused.


	5. Secrets of the Knight

:o - It's a quick update! Crazy, I know!  
Anyway, it's a little short but it had to go seperately so here it is - hope you enjoy :)  
I know the title's a little cheesy but it fits so...

Disclaimer: If I owned them you'd see a whole lot more of both of the topless on TV.

John Paul pushed the door open slightly, shocked at the scene in front of him. The floor was completely littered with clothes, dirty dishes and empty bottles of alcohol. Craig was lying on the bed, clearly out of it but a quick check of the eyes showed he was not drunk.

Seeing Craig so vulnerable and needy made John Paul remember the reasons he had first fallen in love with him. Back then, Craig had been bullied by Sonny Valentine, something that John Paul had tried to stop and at least reduce. This had then led to Craig calling him his 'hero'. John Paul smiled at the memory, thinking of how Craig had kissed him that night, albeit on the forehead. Just the slightest impression of those soft lips on his face had given him such a surge of love for the boy in front of him and he had wanted all night to claim those lips with his own.

It wasn't that he got off on seeing people in pain, in fact he hated it. Especially when that person was Craig. It sounded a bit stupid when he put it this way, but it was the best way to describe it: Craig had been like a male version of a 'damsel in distress' awaiting his 'knight in shining armour', AKA John Paul, to rescue him. He blamed Carmel with all her mushy romantic love stories for his thinking of it like this.

All the same, that was months ago and it was completely irrelevant as he was with Spike now and the two of them were happy. In Spike, John Paul had found someone who wanted him and wanted to be with him. He was funny but serious, caring without being over-attentive and best of all unbelievably hot, plus they had really interesting conversations.

With these thoughts at the front of his mind so as to stop him getting lost in any moments with Craig, not that he would of course, John Paul cleared his throat to let the older boy know he was there.

Craig looked up; his eyes sparkling with hope for a split-second as he saw John Paul before the shine died and the eyes became haunted; empty. He watched as John Paul approached slowly and sat down on the bed next to him, only reacting by giving a small sad smile. "I fell asleep again," he stated, his voice strangely dreamy and wistful. "You're back again to take the pain away for a while… but then why does my head still hurt?"

John Paul was confused for a moment before realising that Craig thought he was dreaming, although why he would dream of him, he had no idea. He reached out a hand to grasp Craig's shoulder. "You're not dreaming, Craig. This really is me… are you okay?"

Craig's eyes widened and regained that glint. John Paul had actually come back. He was here, in his room, right now. He reached out his hand to stroke John Paul's face; just to check he was really there, but jerked it back with John Paul flinched away from him. "I… I'm sorry," he stuttered, staring at the floor. "You probably hate me."

John Paul stared incredulously at him. Did he really think that? By all rights he probably should but both of them knew that that wasn't possible. "Craig, you know I don't hate you. Look, come here," he opened his arms in an offered hug which was quickly accepted. "I could never hate you," he whispered.

Sitting there with Craig in his arms just felt so right to John Paul. It was almost like his entire purpose in life was to be here with Craig, and if he did just that he would be the happiest person alive. John Paul took his arms from around Craig's waist and quickly pulled away. That was not something he should be thinking or feeling right now. Spike would be coming up to find him in a couple more minutes if he didn't show back downstairs in that time. He fleetingly wished that he had gone along with Spike's original time limit of ten minutes rather than cutting it down to five, but immediately felt immensely guilty for it. This was _why_ it had been set – because John Paul just couldn't control himself around Craig.

Realising that Craig was once again staring at the floor and fidgeting, showing he once again felt that the younger boy hated him, John Paul quickly tried to start a conversation going. "Sarah's been worried about you," he prompted, before immediately kicking himself. Of course, talking about the girl Craig had promised John Paul he'd split up with about a week ago would really make him feel great.

Craig gulped audibly. "Oh god. I know I promised you I'd split up with her and I didn't but it'd not how it seems… I--" he rushed.

"That's not what I meant," John Paul cut in hastily. "I just mean she's downstairs and was wondering why you hadn't spoken to her in a week." The last part was spoken slightly admonishingly without sounding like he was scolding Craig.

"Oh, right. I just couldn't talk to her, you know? This whole week I've been…" he drifted off, shaking his head.

"Getting incredibly drunk, alone in your room?" John Paul provided.

"Well I was gonna go with 'a mess' but yeah, I think yours is slightly more accurate." Both boys laughed at this before Craig's face became more serious. "JP, I'm a complete mess without you in my life. I mean look at this," he gestured to the room. "I go for one week thinking I've lost you and this is what happens. I don't even want to think about Uni because right now, the thought of having to survive and you not being there terrifies me."

There it was again: that dmned 'Damsel in Distress' mode that only Craig could pull off so well… and he fell for it every time, he knew. As Craig licked his lips nervously, John Paul knew he was lost. The front part of his mind, which had by now given up all hope of his resisting the temptation known as Craig was simply begging for Spike to arrive before anything happened; the rest of him screaming for the opposite. As he felt Craig's arms around his neck, he leaned in, kissing with such a force that Craig was pushed backwards until he was lying on the bed with John Paul on top of him.

Craig felt his arms being pinned above his head proving, as if there had been any doubt, exactly who was in control of this kiss. Just then, John Paul ground into him, rubbing their quickly growing erections against each other, causing Craig to arch upwards and let out a moan at the pleasure.

Their actions getting more and more heated, neither boy noticed a third push open the door, enter the room and let out a slight gasp at the scene unfolding in front of him.

Spike had followed John Paul out of the toilets and given him a final quick kiss before the parted ways, John Paul going upstairs to see Craig and himself returning to the table that Sarah was now sitting at. After explaining as best as he could where John Paul had gone and that he was upset because of the disagreement he had had with Craig, while getting out of telling her what exactly that was, they had moved on to other topics of conversation.

Having been slightly out of the loop recently since John Paul had stopped talking to Craig as much, Spike had no idea what had been going on in Sarah's life. For Sarah's part, she was grateful to have someone, other than Hannah who had her own problems, to talk to about everything.

Apparently, Sarah's modelling had really taken off, with her swanning off to a photoshoot for a 'lad's mag' a couple of weeks ago. Since then, she had also been invited to some other photoshoots with some of the people she had met at the first. The only problem was that she hadn't told Craig, as she was worried about how he would react.

"I think I'm going to tell him the day after his birthday," she was saying. "I've bought him this really nice watch so hopefully he'll be in a good mood."

Spike simply nodded, unsure of what else to do. It seemed so unfair that Sarah was this worried about telling Craig about this amazing break in her career when he had so many secrets that he was hiding from her. "That sounds like a good idea. So when is Craig's birthday? I'm guessing it's soon…"

"Two days time," she replied. "Jake and I were planning on taking him to the SU Bar for some drinks, if he's come out of hiding by then. You should come along."

Spike on the other hand was only half listening; checking his watch and looking at the door leading to the flat upstairs as he did so. He trusted John Paul, he really did, but it had almost been five minutes and he couldn't help but feel slightly worried. 'I'm just worried Craig will try something. I trust John Paul.' He told himself, although he knew that wasn't strictly true.

Noticing her words were unintentionally ignored, Sarah tried to get Spike's attention. "Spike! Are you alright?" she asked.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," stalled Spike, trying to think of the last thing she had said. "Oh, erm… I'm afraid I can't make that – I've got another gig in Manchester." 'Besides, it would be rather awkward,' he continued in his head. Looking over at the door again, he saw that John Paul still hadn't come back down. "You know I probably ought to go up and see if they're okay," he said.

"I'll come with you," was the quick reply. Understanding how she had been left alone quite a few times that day, Spike agreed while secretly wondering what sight they would be greeted with when they reached the flat upstairs.

Sarah led the way up the stairs and to Craig's room, pausing when she reached the door. There was no noise from inside but she was hit with a sudden fear that maybe he didn't want to see her anymore. What if the reason he'd been ignoring her had been because he'd found out about the modelling and she disgusted him? All in all, she was very grateful when Spike offered to open the door.

As he touched the door handle, the cold metal felt red hot on his skin. Taking in a deep breath, he told himself he trusted his boyfriend for a final time before slowly pushing the door open a fraction to peek inside. As he stepped into the room, he gasped, mortified at the sight in front of him.


	6. Confrontations

Voila - le next chapter :)

Do I need yet another disclaimer?

---

"John Paul!" Spike called softly, before rushing over to where his boyfriend was sat on Craig's bed. "Oh god, are you ok?" He asked, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pack of tissues, one of which he used to stem the blood pouring out of John Paul's nose. "Where is he? I'll fucking kill him!"

John Paul slowly looked up at Spike, full of self-loathing. He was so weak. After all that he'd promised both Spike and himself, as soon as he'd seen Craig he was lost. If Darren hadn't walked in when he had…

He flushed slightly, remembering the activity he had been so engrossed in as the blonde walked through the door. To be completely fair to himself, he had in fact somehow managed to prise himself away from Craig before Darren had interrupted, although considering the swirling dark look of desire that was so evident in Craig's eyes, he wasn't exactly sure how long that would have lasted.

Luckily, and _yes_ it _was_ a good thing, he told himself, Darren had been there to stop it going any further. To be completely honest, it was incredibly strange to see him acting so… almost kind and considerate. Then of course there had been the 'protective older brother' stance, which had shocked both boys. Who on earth was this and what had he done to Darren?

Darren cleared his throat and the two boys shot apart like they were on fire. John Paul's pulse was racing as he realised the extent of the mess he had got himself into. All three stared at each other until finally Craig broke the silence.

"Darren," he greeted, trying to keep the shakiness out of his voice. "What are you doing here?" John Paul noticed that he didn't seem to try to deny what his stepbrother had walked in on or blame it all on him.

At these words, Darren seemed to snap out of his daze. "I just came up to tell your erm…" here, he gave a slight fake cough, "_friend_ here that it's been about five minutes so your competition's gonna be here any second now."

At these words, John Paul put his head in his hands, wondering where his innate sense of morality had disappeared off to. "Spike," he whispered, imagining the heartache his boyfriend would suffer if he knew what had just occurred. Realising something, he raised his eyes to look at Darren. "Hang on… how did you know I asked him to come up in five minutes?" He demanded, suspicions raised.

Darren raised his eyebrows at this and the reply came in a surprisingly condescending tone. "Well your conversation wasn't exactly quiet. I was there for quite a while before I interrupted you."

John Paul blushed again. If he'd had the time to think about it, he may have considered the idea that it was simply destiny for his face to constantly be a rather lovely shade of crimson, but he hadn't so he didn't. "How… how long were you there?"

"Long enough not to be surprised at what I just walked in on," Darren smirked. Ok, seriously – when had he been abducted by aliens and had his personality irrevocably altered? "Then again I wouldn't have that surprised anyway. Craigy's always had that certain 'vibe' about him if you know what I mean," ah, there he was.

During this conversation, Craig's head had snapped up, facing John Paul as he stared accusingly at him. "You're still with him?" He asked, his voice full of hurt with a small hint of resignation. At John Paul's soft nod, the voice became smaller and more withdrawn, reminding JP of how it was when he had come round after rushing out of his exam. "But you… we… what was _this_?"

In those words, John Paul thought for a moment that Craig was really showing his true feelings. I mean, surely no one can fake _that_ much… but then this was Craig and even if he did mean it now, that didn't mean he would later on. One scene and one word was repeating in his mind, as his dreams all came true and were then shattered all within a single minute. He wanted to give in and claim Craig as his own then and there, but fear and lack of trust held him back. "A mistake," he whispered.

The room was silent for a moment. It seemed like hours passed but in reality it was little more than a second. Then Craig let out a strangled yell and hurtled himself across the room, pinning John Paul to the wall with tear stains covering his cheeks. "Take it back," he pleaded "take it back," before collapsing from the combined strain of a week confined to a small room and the immense drama that had occurred in little over five minutes.

Darren, hearing footsteps climbing the stairs from the pub grabbed Craig's limp body and dragged it to the bathroom but not before punching the boy who had caused it. He may not be the most loving or moral person in the world, but family was still family even if it was an extended family, and here he needed to look out for his own.

John Paul sat on the bed, staring into Spike's gentle eyes, which were so full of concern for him and felt sick. As the soft lips met his own, the memory of a similar action with a different boy only minutes before was thrown into the front of his mind. Pulling away, he shot Spike a look of guilt and regret before looking at the floor and closing his eyes.

"It wasn't…" he began, before swallowing and re-starting the sentence. "I deserved it. I deserved that and so much worse. Spike, I'm so sorry. I tried – I really did but I…" He was cut off by another kiss, this one seeming more urgent and warning than the first. Opening his eyes, he saw why Spike hadn't wanted that sentence to be finished. Behind him, standing in the doorway was Sarah.

"What did you do?" she enquired. Looking at her, John Paul could see she was torn between curiosity about their long-term 'disagreement' and concern for the short-term effects for her boyfriend at this particular moment. She genuinely loved Craig and John Paul felt yet another twinge of guilt as he thought this.

"JP promised me he wouldn't lose his temper," Spike lied smoothly, seeing that John Paul was in that moment unable to. Sarah opened her mouth again, so he cut her off, knowing what she was going to say. "I don't know all the details and I don't think I'm the right person to tell you anyway. Neither is John Paul to be honest because although it involves him, this is something that should come from Craig.

Sarah stood up, presumably in search for Craig. "Sarah – tell him I'm sorry, won't you? Tell him… tell him I shouldn't have said that." 'And that I didn't mean it,' John Paul finished in his head. Sarah nodded quickly before leaving the room.

Spike sat numbly on the bed next to John Paul and held him, kissing him gently on the head before looking around the room for inspiration about what to do next. "John Paul," he whispered, gently so that the blonde wouldn't worry or panic, but stern enough to show he was serious. "What did you do?"

John Paul's eyes met Spike's for a moment before dropping away. Seeing the acceptance in those eyes only served to increase the guilt that he was already drowning in. He knew that everything that had just happened would be forgiven and accepted as simply part of him trying to move on, which would make things so much worse as what he had done was _not_ acceptable, yet Spike didn't seem willing to acknowledge this.

"I… he… we kissed," he replied simply. "I pushed him away though and I made it clear that it shouldn't have happened." John Paul selected his words very carefully, not strictly lying but not explaining fully who had initiated what. This way, Spike was less likely to get hurt.

Spike nodded, drawing John Paul in for a hug that would make everything better. As John Paul sat there, holding and gently kissing his boyfriend, his guilt started to fade away. Earlier had simply been a momentary lapse of self-control. From now on, all his attentions would be directed at the boy he was with: the boy who loved him more than anything and was willing to tell the whole world: the boy who would always be there for him, through thick or thin.

By the time Sarah returned with a sullen-faced Craig, John Paul once again had a smile on his face and he was surprised to see that Sarah did too. "Do you guy wanna join us for a drink downstairs then?" she gushed. The excitement in her voice was all too apparent and John Paul didn't have to wonder why for long as she quickly continued. "I'll call Hannah and Nance – ask them to come over as well for the celebration…" she paused slightly for effect. "Craig and I are engaged!"

John Paul looked from Sarah to Craig and then back to Sarah again. Engaged? Only ten minutes ago, Craig had told him he couldn't survive without him before a highly intense make-out session. Now he was getting engaged to Sarah? Fighting to stop the hurt show on his face, he said the only thing he could think of at that moment in time. "Oh."

"Oh?" She echoed, obviously confused. Here she was, with the most exciting news of her life and all he, John Paul, could say was 'oh'?

"I mean wow. That's… that's really amazing. I'm so happy for you," he told her, forcing himself to smile. "For both of you," he continued, this time looking at Craig. The brunette looked at him guiltily and looked like he was trying to find the words he wanted to say. He was put out of his misery by Spike.

Spike, realising that John Paul needed some support right now, stepped forwards and surreptitiously put his arm around him while smiling and congratulating the couple in front of him. "I must say I'm surprised," he continued, stifling a laugh at the look of horror on Craig's face at this admission. "Most people tend to wait until after Uni – I think it's great that you and Craig both feel _that_ confident in your relationship at this stage of you lives."

Sarah beamed at him, Craig scowled and John Paul looked uncomfortably down at the floor before breaking the silence that had appeared. "So I guess we should go down and start celebrating then. I'll get the first round in and you go phone Hannah and Nancy," he offered, desperate to get rid of any awkwardness from the conversation.

Sarah, unable to hide her joy any longer, hugged both John Paul and Spike before dragging John Paul out of the room to tell him all about the proposal. Craig turned to leave as well, but was stopped by Spike's hand on his shoulder turning him round to face him. "We need to talk, Dean."

He'd always known that he would hate Spike, ever since he first heard about him – right back before he'd let himself realise how much John Paul really meant to him. Spike was in the way, standing between his and John Paul's relationship, whether that be friendship or more. He stared at the other boy defiantly, not willing to let him win so easily. "I don't think we do," he replied with more confidence than he felt, shrugging the other's hand away and making to leave. He wasn't prepared for Spike to grab him by the shoulders, throwing him across the room before closing the door softly behind him.

"I said we need to talk," he repeated, eyes flashing in anger. Craig gulped, realising that Spike was quite a lot bigger and stronger than him and also that there was no chance of anyone else coming to help him since Darren had snuck out while Sarah and Spike were with John Paul. "So you're just gonna sit there and listen, got it?" Craig clenched his teeth but nodded, knowing there was nothing else he could do.

As Spike looked at the pathetic boy cowering in the corner of his room, he wondered what on earth John Paul had ever seen in him. Then again, he didn't feel that John Paul had particularly good tastes in men, as he himself obviously didn't deserve such a caring and amazingly good-looking boyfriend. Still, John Paul _had_ chosen to be with him, so making sure he didn't get hurt was the least he could do in return. Then again, if he caused any lasting damage to Craig, he knew John Paul would never forgive him so he would have to tread carefully; surely he hadn't pushed him that hard before?

"What do you want?" asked Craig, not moving from his corner. He had never been much of a fighter, usually just taking whatever was dished out to him whether it be verbal abuse or physical violence until John Paul had arrived in the village and befriended him. Then, he had a protector who would go to any lengths to make sure that he was ok, except now he had ruined things and John Paul wasn't here to look after him any more.

"What do I want?" Spike echoed mockingly. "I want John Paul."

Craig gulped again at the ferocity of this statement but wasn't sure exactly sure what he could say to calm the DJ's temper. Unfortunately his own emotions got the better of him. "Yeah? Well you have him, don't you? He had the choice and he chose you, so why don't you just swan off back to him and live your happy lives?" Craig took a deep breath to stop himself becoming hysterical before realising that there was one final very important reason that he had forgotten. "Plus I'm engaged to Sarah – I'm moving on, just like John Paul already has."

Spike took two strides to where Craig was before easily lifting him up by the collar and pinning him to the wall. "Good, and it had better stay like that. I'm going away for a couple of days and I'd hate to think that you got premature cold feet while I was gone, if you know what I mean." As far as he was concerned, this little trip couldn't have come at a worse time, but so much was hanging on it that he couldn't just stay.

Craig gasped for air, his throat being restricted by Spike's hand. "What… do you think… John Paul will… think when… he hears about… this?" he rasped out, unable to simply give in.

Spike smirked at this question, having guessed that it would be asked at some point. He knew _exactly_ what John Paul would do _when_ he was told, and he told Craig that. "First he's gonna tell me what a wonderful boyfriend I am, and then he's gonna say goodbye to you and your _fiancé_, and then he's gonna take me back to his house," Spike paused for effect, revelling in the look of absolute jealousy radiating from Craig's eyes. "And then he's going to fuck my brains out."

If anyone had asked Craig exactly what he was feeling in that moment, he wouldn't have been able to answer. There was the expected jealousy, rage, hurt, anger and despair, but somehow these were kept under control by an overwhelming urge to prove to himself that he was good enough for John Paul, that he was worthy to have him. Although it would have been very satisfying to knock Spike out, Craig knew that not only was that highly improbable considering his position and strength, but also that a verbal strike would be far more satisfying. "Funny, I thought someone had already done that."

Had the situation been different, Craig would have laughed at the expression on his rival's face. Clearly a reaction like that wasn't expected, and certainly not welcome. One point to him. Craig winced as Spike's hand formed a fist and flew at him. Maybe that point wasn't really worth going for. Why couldn't he just keep his mouth shut? At the last second, the fist changed course and landed on the wall, millimetres from his hair. The grip around his throat, which had tightened at those words, became slack and allowed Craig to suck in some new air.

Spike gritted his teeth imperceptibly as he made himself breathe deeply. How could he have nearly lost control like that? He was _supposed_ to be being the mature one, proving to John Paul that he was the best choice beyond doubt and then here he was being the one to nearly punch Craig! After what John Paul had said had happened at Hannah's party when Sarah had kissed that other boy… Rhys his name was, he had been sure that he would easily be able to provoke him enough, but somehow Craig had managed not to take the bait and had started to beat Spike at his own game.

"I suppose you think you're funny do you?" Spike kept his voice calm, although he was anything but. "Well you're not. You know, I actually thought that I was gonna have to worry about you – that you would be competition, but it turns out you're a complete joke. I have no idea what on earth John Paul ever saw in you, and you know what? Neither does he."

Craig pushed the older boy away from him but was unable to control his shaking. Was it true? Was that why John Paul had told him that it was a mistake, that _he_ was a mistake? Did John Paul really regret everything that they had shared and been through together? Did he regret falling in love with him? He wanted to be able to say that it was ridiculous – not too long ago, that same boy had straddled him on that bed and given him the most intense make-out session he had ever had. Then again, he had pulled away before Darren had got there… what would have happened if his stepbrother hadn't arrived? Maybe he had been a bad kisser! Or what if after he had finally got what he wanted, John Paul found out that the 'forbidden fruit' wasn't all it was cracked up to be? A darker thought hit him: maybe what he had thought of as breath taking had simply been mediocre to John Paul compared to what he shared with Spike.

Spike. That name filled him with anger; anger at himself for not being with John Paul when he had the chance, anger at that man who had taken John Paul away from him, and anger at John Paul for replacing him with someone so quickly; which lead to yet more anger at himself as he knew that he had no right to be angry at John Paul.

Spike watched as different emotions flickered over Craig's face. He was staring into the distance, obviously having a lot on his mind and obviously hurting. Spike looked away, disgusted with himself. Surely he should get some kind of contentment out of seeing the person who had repeatedly tried to destroy his relationship with John Paul going through even a tiny fraction of the pain he had caused, but instead he just felt guilt. After all, the only thing that Craig was really guilty of was loving John Paul, just like he himself did. Still, if he was going to snap Craig out of it, he wasn't going to act nice about it. He shook Craig slightly and when he saw the eyes focus again, he spoke. "Well I'll warn you once and that's all you're gonna get. If you so much as _think_ about touching John Paul while I'm away, you're going to find that you're never going to touch anyone with that part of you again, got it?"


End file.
